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Then were moving over to california to kayla. Hi. Kayla.
How are you today. Today. Hi.
Hi. Im doing good. How are you rocking.
And bobbing. Um. Good.
My question is uh okay can i get a little context first. If thats okay okay just quickly. If you dont mind of course.
Um. Im married to my husband. Weve been together for almost six years.
But weve weve been married for two of those years he got deployed and during the past six months. He was in afghanistan um in september. He told me he didnt love me.
And thats when we kind of first started having a little bit of hiccups. But it was just kind of like he said he was willing to work on it and then when he got back this october. He said that he had met somebody there for the past four months and that hes now in love with this girl.
And that she is his soulmate um. He lives at home with me. And he has been uh.
He told he like he came in and he interacted in sex like the first day he got back and then ever since then a couple days. Hes been still wanting to have sex with me and um. But telling me that he doesnt see any hope for us at the same time whenever he takes calls from her he comes back in and he seems remorseful and he tries to do something kind for me um.
But i just want to know if i should continue to have sex with him. Ive told him that like i said for me like if you he said. Hes never had sex with her it was just like a texting and just talking with each other um.
I said to him like whenever he initiates sex because its always him initiating it its not me i told him that for me. Its our marriage bed and i think its sacred and i enjoy having sex with i think it brings pleasure to god so um. What should i do should i continue that even though he he keeps in like in front of me taking phone like hell be im gonna go take a phone call in the car or things like that you know i dont know if i should if im being over just pushed over.
I dont know okay let me ask a couple of questions of may how old are you two um. Im 24. And hes also 24 and then we both were only about a month.
Apart okay and you said that youve been together six years. So that means when you were 18. When you first got together is that correct yeah he was 18 and i had just turned.
19. Okay all right now im be very careful i ask this question when you do make love to each other is it really that is it making love or is it just sex um. I think the first time it was definitely like i could sense that he wasnt really into it um.
But ever ever since as its grown to the point where it is now um. I do feel like hes much more kind during sex and also its very like for me. Its very satisfying um.
He did say one thing to me. Where he said. Oh go ahead.
Im sorry well is he emotionally involved in it not just physically. But emotionally involved in it i i think that he was emotionally involved in only the the last time. We just had sex.
I dont think that he was emotionally involved in all the other ones also after we get like after we finish. Hell be like hell like beat himself up hell say like oh. I you know youre really attractive and like i i wanted to do this with you.
But i like he feels like i feel like he thinks im the other woman and that hes trying to be faithful to this new person. Thats actually a possibility im just like allah that is a possibility yeah. So the the so the last time.
Though you felt he was emotionally involved for example and im not im not yeah be careful about how i ask questions here. But does he kiss you um. This last time yeah.
He would before he wouldnt kiss me. It was just it would just be sex. But this last time it was we would kiss and he was like oh like my legs got tired.
Hes like oh like chill out for a second like he was much more kind and much more considerate and also we did kiss. So okay. I dont know all right couple of things here.
Let me give you a couple of pros and cons and if you want more if you go to our youtube channel thats youtubecom. Slash marriage helper its all free there and and i actually did a video thats longer than what ill be able to answer right now about the pros and cons of having sex in a situation like this and i suggest you go find that video and you watch it uh. Its about 10 or 15 minutes long somewhere in there.
I think right now let me give you a short. Answer here are the pros. The pros are that when a human being male or female when they culminate when they reach organism orgasm.
When theyre making love. It. Oxytocin is a chemical thats produced and goes into the bloodstream as a hormone and also into the autonomic nervous system.
Oxytocin is an extremely strong bonding chemical therefore when you say over the top altogether. How many times would you say youve made love since hes been back since hes been weve probably passed back like 10 times. 20.
Is that what you said um. No. 10.
Okay okay maybe nine nine or ten times. Yeah okay. The exact number is not that important.
But the principle. What it sounds like to me the fact that this last time it was more romantic and he was kissing you you see a person can have sex without emotionally getting involved. But its extremely difficult for a person to kiss without being emotionally involved.
And i mean im not saying it cant be done or it can be done. Im just saying. Its very difficult to kiss and not be emotionally involved so.
The it sounds as if he is growing toward you that that this oxytocin thats being released. When he reaches climax is actually bonding him more to you thats what it sounds like to me. And if indeed youre being satisfied.
Which you said you are you see youre not being used you are not being used as long as youre willingly participating if you were not willingly participating. Then id say yeah you need to back up. Because youre definitely being used.
But what i heard you say is that youre enjoying it as well now might it be that in his mind youre the other woman thats very possible. But the good news is hes with you and in the fact that hes with you and hes making love to you hes connecting to you its evolving it sounds like in a very good direction. All these are a lot of very positive things im happy that he did not get involved with her physically thats good if you i guess heres the short answer.
My friend its your decision. But as a sexologist. I would suggest that you continue to do so because its having a good benefit as a marriage expert.
Okay. I would suggest you probably will continue to benefit if you keep doing this but if at any point okay at any point you start feeling used you can just tell it hey i feel like im being used i dont want to do this anymore. But you know theres great patience and theres great value.
I should say great value in patience it sounds to me like youre doing the right kinds of things and are going in the right direction. Now i cannot guarantee that but it sure sounds that way to me and and if i were in your shoes. I would keep doing that if i were you but its your decision obviously no i i hear what youre saying and i appreciate you and and i felt like that i just kind of needed a little bit of extra clarity.
So i appreciate it i get it youre very welcome caleb. You take care of yourself okay. And i think i think i heard a baby in the background.
There and if if a woman is not completely exhausted. Maybe having a baby and still willing to make love thats a really good thing because physical fatigue. Especially with women who workers with men as well.
But if but particularly and specifically. Weve been in physical fatigue can make it extremely difficult for the woman to become adequately aroused. So when i hear that baby and she still likes to make love with her husband.
Enjoying it and say go for it and i hope it works out to your advantage. I really really do heres what id like to hear from you later. Though i want you to call me back at some point.
If you put it back together and tell me or if it doesnt go back together. Id appreciate you calling back and telling me i really really want to know im very curious about this situation music. .
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