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We have something special for you today. Weve been hard at work on a a new series with netflix called explained if you like our youtube. Youre gonna this the reason.
Were making this show is because of you you our subscribers. So they let us share the entire first episode right here theres two more episodes on netflix at netflixcom. Explained you can go right now they are there for you to watch every wednesday.
There is going to be a new story add it to your list and enjoy singingcause. Im in love from virtually the moment. Were born theres a story thats preached across cultures and continents.
Its a familiar fairy tale. She was even more beautiful than he had thought that finding one true love is the key to a fulfilled and happy life. Ive been doing a lot of thinking and the thing is i love you i love you i love you ditto as an adult.
Were forced to reconcile the messaging on monogamy with one simple fact humans are terrible at it its kept jerry springer on the air for 25 years ohhhhh. Ive been sleeping with eddie. He cheated on me with her.
I have your name tattoed on me how many girls you take from me aaron in. 2016 22. Million.
Us couples got. Married but over 800000. Called.
It quits our quest for and failure at monogamy has caused so much pain and heartbreak. If its so hard for humans to be monogamous. Why do most of us all around the world make it one of the most central goals of our lives.
I start asking myself is he right for me if you ask couples. Why they chose monogamy youll hear one answer again and again they fell in love we met in a candy store 1946. We went to college together we were both in a relationship then we didnt cheat you look so guilty every time.
We talk about this im bad at talking about this. Its arranged marriage whatever they selected for me. It was good and i am very happy with that we had a study date one night and that study break turned into anatomy.
I guess ive never felt this way about anybody before i feel god has blessed us. We found true love of course. We did were still here 70 years.
What do you expect 25 years. I wouldve gotten out on good behavior. I would like to think that soul mates are real.
But shes my soul mate well youre mine too. But monogamy and love arent the same thing. We are so psychotically welded to this idea that monogamy means love and love means monogamy and in the absence of monogamy.
There is not love love is a feeling monogamy is a rule youll only have sex with this one person and most people live in a culture where theyre expected at some point to make that rule a legal contract called marriage in many countries breaking that rule is a crime in the us. Adultery is illegal in at least 20 states. And although theyre rarely enforced punishments can range from a 10 fine to three years in prison.
If you are in a monogamous relationship for 50 years and you fell down once you cheated once the whole relationship was a lie and a failure. Most human beings have ambivalent impulses that its nice to have someone you can rely on but theres also the temptation of novelty. Why would humans all around the world invent a rule thats so difficult to follow and treat breaking.
It as such an enormous betrayal should a male have on his clothing. So much as a strand of hair from a female not his wife. A serious crisis may result for more than a century.
Theres been a culturally accepted explanation sound check one one one one one one one the standard narrative is the story that everybody knows that men want to be free sexually and spread their seed around the world and women want to be very exclusive and particular and choose a provider because theyre vulnerable and the children need someone to take care of them and all that women trade sexual fidelity to men in exchange for goods and services essentially. In this narrative. Theres another reason.
Why men wouldnt want women to sleep around. If a baby comes out of a womans body. There is no question.
But that she is genetically related to that baby. The male has to take the womans word for it biologists have known for a very long time that men are far more inclined to seek multiple sexual partners. And the reason for that is is really quite clear now in the first place.
Remember that the male sperm cells are being produced all the time. While only one egg cell is produced each month. Theres a very good and i dont mean ethically good.
But very understandable evolutionary payoff for males as being randy bastards.
But theres one big issue with that explanation of promiscuous possessive men and demure women at lots of points in time and places in the world people didnt follow it anatomically modern human beings have existed for at least 300000. Years and for more than 90 of that time. We lived as hunter gatherers anthropologists refer to them as fiercely egalitarian.
Theres no reason to think that our ancestors shared everything except sexual partners of course. We cant go back and interview our foraging ancestors. But we have the accounts of explorers and europeans who first developed and saw these societies before theyd been much touched by outsiders and their surprise and shock at the difference in sexual mores.
Theres a wonderful story that a jesuit who lived with the naskapi indians for some time. And he would ask if you let your wives have this much freedom. How do you know that the child she bears will belong to you and he recorded the answer of the indian thou has no sense the guy said you frenchmen love.
Only the children of your body. But we love all the children of the tribe. If a child is crying the adult nearest to that child picks it up nobody says hey hey your kids crying no its theres a commonality to parenthood among hunter gatherers.
One of those groups are the bari of venezuela. Where every man who sleeps with a woman. While shes pregnant is considered a father of the child and helps provide for it now in our society.
That would probably not work very well im not recommending it but in that society. A child who had several fathers named because shed slept with several fathers actually had a much better chance of surviving to adulthood because those men contributed did you ever think of going with somebody else after you married me. What are you crazy.
We dont like to say that were open. We like to say were slightly ajar exactly thats not good in my way in our language. Also they say pati parmeshwar that means husband is like god this is our culture.
We actually kind of met through the non monogamy community. I define this relationship as this is my cohabitating partner and we call each other otters. We are our primary partners and our other partners are secondary partners.
I find it really fascinating i think about a lot like if i could ever do that. And i dont know if i could i had a threesome with like two friends of mine that i initiated. I decided that it would be cool to experiment with multiple people with like somebody that i really loved and cared about the queer community has been berated with the idea that our relationships are lesser and that theyre not actually up to par.
And that standard of you know the heteronormative standard and all thats bull. We shouldnt be surprised that some cultures practice non monogamy. Because in the animal world true sexual monogamy is virtually unheard of the most romantic creature might be the diplozoon paradoxum.
A parasitic tapeworm that literally fuses together with its partner for life. But humans arent tapeworms. Were apes and our closest relatives in the animal world are chimps and bonobos.
Were more closely related to chimps and bonobos than the indian elephant is to the african elephant. The close comparison exists in bone and muscle structure and in the capability of responding to stimuli and solving problems. Clearly chimps and bonobos are anything.
But monogamous bonobos have sex at the drop of a hat singing. I know i know that i just met you they have sex to say hello they have sex to say goodbye. They have sex when theyre stressed out for both the male and female bonobos that free love philosophy makes evolutionary sense.
The males get to spread their seed and the females get to take in the seed of multiple males which then compete against each other to fertilize her egg. Its survival of the fittest for sperm. There are aspects of bonobo anatomy that seem adapted to promiscuity and intriguingly you can also find a lot of them in humans.
Suggesting. We may have evolved to be non monogamous. Too.
Theres body dimorphism in species that are more promiscuous. The males tend to be 15 to 25 percent larger than the females and in theory. If there are males battling to impregnate women testicles would be bigger and stronger youll see that human testicles are intermediate between very large testicles in bonobos and chimpanzees and very small testicles in gorillas for example.
Theres the human penis tied for the biggest among all primates. Which has a unique shape. We have this much thicker penis with the flared head this shape creates a vacuum in the females reproductive tract.
That tends to pull any sperm. Thats already there it pulls it down away from the ovum thereby giving an advantage to the sperm of the man whos having sex at the moment. Theres also female copulatory vocalization.
A phenomenon so well known and accepted. Its a standard feature of movie sex scenes. Oh oh ahh.
Oh. What we see is that female copulatory vocalization is common among primates that engage in sperm competition then theres the fact that humans and bonobos have sex to bond and not just to have children. Which might explain the way we face each other during intercourse you see humans and bonobos are the only two that face each other while theyre having sex and why we have a lot more of it than most mammals so clearly when people say so and so had sex like an animal.
Theyre getting it backwards and theres now a lot of evidence that monogamy is a more recent invention than most of us would expect around 12000.
Years ago. When most humans stopped being hunter gatherers and figured out how to farm you get a very overpowering concern with property rights as the greeks put it you dont want a foreign seed introduced into your soil for thousands of years marriage was the main way that you increased your family labor force you made peace treaties business alliances the more ive studied the more i became convinced that marriage was invented not to do with the individual relationship with the man and the woman. But to get in laws.
You know. And its amusing because today we see in laws as a big threat to the solidarity of the man and the woman. But thats what marriage was about you look back at anthony and cleopatra that was not a love story at all that was two people from the most powerful empires in the world trying to figure out how they could get together and rule both of those empires.
The idea of marrying someone for love coontz says western societies. Only started doing that a few hundred years ago. As we made a transition to the idea that marriage should be on the basis of love it scared people defenders of traditional marriage.
Said. Oh my gosh. How will we get a woman to marry at all if she saysew.
I dont love him how will we stop people from getting divorced. So a new idea took hold men and women needed to find love and marry because they were two parts of a whole men were aggressive and protective women were nurturing and demure. They were opposites who completed each other the field of evolutionary biology also developed around this time pioneered by male scientists.
Who used their theories on sexual selection to explain victorian gender roles as charles darwin wrote in the descent of man woman seems to differ from man in mental disposition chiefly in her greater tenderness and less selfishnessman delights in competition and this leads to ambition thus. Man has ultimately become superior to woman. And its possible his ideas became so popular and survived so long because it made sense to us in the societies.
We were living in but if monogamy is all a made up construct a way to enforce gender roles and social order. How do we explain that visceral deep rooted feeling we get when our loved ones stray tell me something are you the jealous type. I feel like we dont really deal too much with jealousy.
I dont know why that is i think its justcause. Were sluts to be honest. I dont get like jealous like that you know.
Its important. I think to understand why youre feeling jealous. Because jealousy is not just a its not a feeling.
Its usually rooted in some other sort of thing. Its not a descending guillotine. Its like jealousy is an event.
Whats the best way to deal with that event who were you really with that that little blonde secretary from the office. I dont think youll ever find any society. Where there was no sexual jealousy.
But we also have these other kinds of impulses of generosity and of a sense that maybe there are other parts of the person that are more important than the sexual person and these coexist and they battle. And i think they will always battle i coined the term monogamish to describe my own relationship with my husband. Were together 24 years not monogamous for 20 of those 24 years and ive had people look at me and say i could never do what you guys do because i value commitment too highly all three of my marriages were monogamous and what that says is this person was committed to monogamy not to any of the people that they married they were committed to monogamy non monogamy is getting more mainstream attention.
Define polyamorous without monogamy polyamory. Polyamory polyamorous. Its called poly amory polyamorous.
People throuple. Not monogamous. Ok you couldnt be a 2016 study found one in five americans had been in a non monogamous relationship at some point and in another survey.
A third of americans said their ideal relationship would be non monogamous monogamy as we know it has been through many incarnations. Its been forced its been useful. Its been beautiful.
Its been subverted as human society evolves. So will human sexuality. As we enter.
What i think of as uncharted territory for the first time in human history. We are trying to develop relationships that are not based on coercion coercion of women by their economic and legal dependence coercion of women by their bodies coercion of men by the social and economic structures. Were trying i think to find maybe a new balance monogamy isnt natural.
It means we have to recognize that because its not natural. Its something that were going to have to work for if we want it one of the things that i think makes human beings particularly interesting and maybe even unique in the animal world is that were capable of doing things that are unnatural monogamy is like vegetarianism you can choose to be a vegetarian and that can be healthy it can be ethical. It can be a wonderful decision.
But because youve chosen to be vegetarian doesnt mean that bacon stops smelling good if were lucky. Its no longer about what kinds of relationships. We should have in the modern world.
Its about designing the kinds of relationships. We want to have humans may not have evolved to be sexually. Monogamous but we have evolved to be adaptable so netflixcom.
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